Cauliflower Corners-The Finale-Part 9

An Incident at The Ketchill Arms

Cauliflower Corners, 1911

Having successfully dispatched his brand new wife, Myrtle, and his father–in-law, Edward Carlson, in a well-crafted 1908 fire which left no traces of his involvement, the Most Reverend Gorgis Cornelius Gustavius Burden Squeers took his time claiming the small fortune which was rightfully his as sole heir to the Carlson estate. He did not need the money right away. He still had lots from his previous crimes. Eventually, Gorgis sold off the Carlson farmland and liquidated the remainder of his ill-gotten inheritance. He then embarked upon a two year trip around the world.

In July, 1911, Gorgis decided to return to Cauliflower Corners to enjoy the fruits of his heinous criminality. Both his parents had passed away unmourned earlier in the spring of that year, thus granting him unfettered ownership of the Squeers family homestead. Life was good for Gorgis at age 25. All that was missing was a replacement wife to serve him.

It did not take him long to set his sights upon Gracie Birdsong, aged 19, the town’s new schoolteacher. But he was not her only budding suitor. Gracie’s childhood friend Hank Coulsome was also desirous of marrying the girl he had loved from the day he had met her, way back when, in Heart’s Content.

Hank Coulsome was a good man. By dint of his hard work, he had managed to save enough money by his eighteenth birthday, in 1911, to buy a small farm. It was the place next to his uncle and aunt, Gar Colter and Miss Beazy. Hank had taken Gracie to see the land before she moved to Cauliflower Corners in August of the same year. Gracie thought it would be perfect for Hank, all the while suspecting that she too would be living there one day.

For months, Gracie had been planning her school’s very first Christmas pageant and social. Every child in her care would be involved. It was certain the whole community would show up. The highlight of the social was to be a fundraiser called “The Secret Single Ladies and Single Gentlemen Silent Dance Auction”.  All the proceeds would go to the church and to the school. With their permission, every unattached male and female resident of Cauliflower corners over the age of 16 would be allotted a ballot box in which tickets could be placed. At 9pm, tickets would be drawn from each box and the winner would have the first dance with the owner of that box. The tickets were five cents each. You could buy as many as you wanted, as long as you were a single lady or single gentleman. You could put tickets into any or all the boxes you wanted. The boxes were curtained off so that no one but the depositor would know where a ticket had been placed. Needless to say, every aching heart in Cauliflower Corners wanted to play. And every one did.

On the day of the pageant and social, Cauliflower Corners was a veritable beehive of activity. The stage was prepared, chairs and tables were set up and food set out. By 6pm, the hall was packed, even though the festivities were not slated to start until 7. Not a resident was missing. As a matter of fact, there quite a few out-of-town guests who made the trip, including Hank Coulsome. It was on this night that he planned to ask Gracie Birdsong for her hand in marriage.

With but a few small hiccups, the pageant came to its conclusion. The musicians took their places on the stage and played while the revellers ate, kibitzed and laughed. The singles enthusiastically filled the ballot boxes with  small tokens of their secret desires. The Reverend Gorgis Cornelius Gustavius Burden Squeers was there too, bedecked in the latest fashions from Toronto. He came prepared to be asked to say grace. Another less worthy curate had been chosen and Gorgis fumed inside when he found out about the snub. But saying grace was not his prime motive for attending. What he wanted, and what he promised himself he would get, even if he had to cheat, was the first dance with Gracie Birdsong, his intended future wife.

Gorgis bought $20 worth of tickets, four hundred tickets in all. He waited until 8:59 to make his deposits. He headed straight for the box labelled “Gracie Birdsong”. Before he put in his entries, he took a quick look around and ensured himself no one was watching. He took out all the tickets and hid them in his clothing. With the box thus emptied, he refilled it with what would surely be the winner.

At 9pm, the boxes were collected and brought to the stage. There were eighteen in all. One by one, a winning ticket was drawn from each box. It was now the time for the twelfth draw...to dance the first dance with Gracie Birdsong. Every eligible bachelor was crossing his fingers, Hank Coulsome foremost among them. Gorgis Squeers sneered inwardly at their misplaced optimism. He waited placidly for his number to be called. Pericles MacPherson, the school’s custodian and the evening’s Master of Ceremonies read out the winning number. No one came forward. He called it again. Once more, no response. On the third attempt, Gorgis made a great ceremony of producing the winning ticket.

“Well, goodness me” he oozed. “I believe the victorious ticket is one in my possession.”

Gracie felt more than a little nauseated. Hank took his temporary set back in stride. He would dance with Gracie later and then he would propose. The rest of the assembled throng did their best to hide their disgust. Gorgis had never been anyone’s favourite, a sentiment he lavishly deserved.

The draws were concluded and the Silent Dance Auction couples were called to the floor. Most were shy and awkward, many so nervous they could barely keep their legs from shaking. The most notable exception was Gorgis Squeers, 25, man of the world, Dance Master, widower and possessor of a vast fortune. He slimed his way to the place where Gracie sat next to Hank and, in his best voice, declared:

“Miss Birdsong, I believe I have the great fortune of the next dance. I will do the utmost not to tread upon your delicate toes.”

He took her hand and led her to the floor. The musicians commenced their waltz and Gorgis swept Gracie elegantly about the room. As he did so, he squeezed her hand  to indicate that this was to be no ordinary dance. The waltz went on a long time and, finally, Gracie was gallantly returned to her seat.

“Perhaps, I shall have the pleasure of another dance later” said Gorgis.

“Yes, perhaps” returned Gracie.

For the rest of the evening, Gracie barely left the dance floor. But her favourite dances were with Hank.  Around 11pm, Gorgis felt it was time to make his move. He looked around for Gracie. He did not see her anywhere in the hall. Eventually, his search took him outside where he spotted Hank and Gracie sitting close together on the bench which overlooked the river. As silently as the scum on a tailings pond, Gorgis slid his way to within earshot.

“Gracie, I have loved you since the first time I set eyes upon you, even though we were only children. But I knew then what I still know now. You have always been there in my heart as its desire, my love. I know am not worthy, but will you be my wife?”

“Yes, Hank Coulsome. I will be your wife.”

At first Gorgis denied what he had heard. When he had finally exhausted every alternative explanation, his disbelief turned to fury. “I shall have her for my own” he gritted through his teeth. “She shall be mine or no one else’s.”

That evening, Hank helped Gracie and the others clean up. Around 1am, he walked her home to her rooms at the Ketchill Arms. At the front door, he hugged her and kissed her until she finally said “Hank Coulsome, I love you. Now head on straight home. And don’t propose to anyone else on the way.”

Hank left the Ketcill Arms, a man besotted with happiness. He could barely remember making his way to the Madges’, the family friends with whom he was staying in Cauliflower Corners. He went to bed. He never closed his eyes all night.

Meanwhile, The Most Reverend Gorgis Cornelius Gustavius Burden Squeers had left the social in a rage. He knew that Gracie would never be his. Once he got home, he poured himself a generous brandy and cursed his luck. “I always get what I want” he thought. “But what I can’t have, no one else will have.”

Slightly inebriated, and with his plan firmly set, Gorgis collected what he needed from his tool shed and crept, under the cover of darkness, to Mrs. Ketchill’s boarding house where Gracie Birdsong lay sleeping. He drew upon every ounce of the sociopathy that coursed so easily through his veins. A strange calm came over him as he doused the perimeter of the house with kerosene. Gorgis hesitated a moment before he struck the match. Some minute trace of guilt had squeezed its way into the vacuum of his conscience. He fended off the intrusion with an unchristian grimace and set the Ketchill Arms ablaze.

Gorgis stepped back from the fire to admire the terrible beauty of his secret craft. He did not notice the small leak from the kerosene can as it dripped silently onto his shoe. As he turned to go, a tiny spark, no larger than the head of pin, freed itself from Gracie’s nightgown as she and Mrs. Ketchill fled desperately from the roaring conflagration. The spark floated with purpose through the cold night air. In an act of Cosmic Justice, it landed delicately upon his toe. The ignition was instant. All they found in the morning were the brass buttons of a once magnificent raccoon coat and the charred remains of a well-used metal matchbox, inscribed with words “To Lil’ Gorgeous, The Light of My Life. All My Love Forever, Mother.”